People often say that “marriage takes work,” but often don’t get down to specifics. Here are eight ways that healthy couples regularly work to make their relationships last.

Couples therapy is a huge investment in time, money, and emotional energy. But more importantly, your relationship is one of the bedrocks of your life. When you want things to work, it’s paramount that you get what you need out of the couples therapy experience. Not only do you need a good therapist, you need one that won’t make things worse. Here are some red flags to be on the lookout for.

As a couples counselor, I get worried for people when I hear bad marriage advice floating around the world. How many times have you heard “Don’t go to bed angry” as advice to newlyweds?

In couples counseling, I try to help clients create an attitude and environment of emotional safety for each other. It’s important for a person to feel emotionally safe before they can express vulnerability. Then, if they do take a risk and express vulnerability, it’s very important that their partner has a positive, rewarding response (or at least not punitive).

Couples counseling is an investment in one of the most important relationships in your life. Although your couples counselor is the primary director of the process, there are several ways that you can make yourself as active a participant as possible. Below are six tips for couples counseling that will help you get more out of the experience.

All couples argue, right? But some ways of arguing are better that others. Extensive research by Drs. John and Julie Gottman has revealed that certain ways of arguing are predictive of later divorce. The Gottmans termed the four worst offenders the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” because of how pernicious they are to marital stability.

In a previous blog I wrote about the importance of making intentional choices about where you focus your attention. In today’s post, I’d like to share my favorite mindfulness exercise for choosing to not focus your attention on thoughts that, for one reason or another, you don’t want to focus on.

One thing I find myself saying often in couples therapy is, “What do you notice about …….. ?” I try to help my clients learn the mindfulness practice of noticing, or becoming aware in an intentional way.

Relationships are not built on grand gestures that you might see at the end of romantic movies. Successful, long-term relationships are built on consistent moments of connection called rituals…

Lack of empathy in relationships is rampant. Empathy is understanding what another person is feeling - not only on a cognitive level, but also on an emotional level. In other words, knowing what someone else is feeling AND actually feeling it too. 

Knowing when to get marriage counseling is tough. A lot of people grow up surrounded by unhappy marriages, or have never seen even a single example of a long-term functional relationship. When people think of tension, yelling, and ignoring problems as normal, they might not realize that life doesn’t have to be this way.

Previously I blogged about how to be a good listener so that you can understand your partner’s side of a problem. Here I write about the flipside: how to express yourself in such a way that your partner is more likely to understand you.

I’ve blogged about how to get curious, not furious about your partner’s point of view to stop an argument and improve your relationship. The questions that I suggested were entirely internal though - something you only think about in your own head. Below I provide questions that you can ask your partner in order to understand their point of view.

I know that by the time you are researching couples counseling, you have already spent a lot of time and emotional energy on your relationship. Then, you have to wade through the process of finding a therapist that is a good fit on many levels, including financially…

It’s hard to underestimate the importance of trust in a relationship. Trust is feeling safe with someone and believing in the strength and stability of your bond. This sense of safety and reliability can only be built over time through hundreds of little moments, every single day, through responsiveness and acceptance. Trust erodes when partners turn away from each other’s bids for connection, when they neglect each other’s rich emotional inner worlds, and when they actively express disregard for each other (knowingly or not).

Waiting for your first couples counseling session is nerve-wracking. You’ve been trying to deal with your relationship problems on your own for awhile, but now you’re finally on the same page as your partner about getting help. Then, you’ve sifted through the maze of couples therapists to find the right one, and you’re really hoping this is going to work for you.

To get the most out of your first couples counseling session, try these tips.

If you’ve had the same fight over and over with your partner, then you’re probably used to asking yourself: “Why are they like that?! What on earth are they thinking?” If you keep coming up empty for answers, then you probably get frustrated with your partner for refusing to communicate with you, or for saying things that just don’t make a lot of sense to you. Or maybe you have some guesses about what your partner is thinking, but your guesses make you feel even worse. You might be starting to wonder if they care about you at all…

Most couples who go to counseling together are hoping to learn about effective communication skills. Although we all know that good communication is essential to a thriving relationship, it’s tough to nail down exactly what that entails. In couples counseling, I work with clients by helping them change their interaction. Each person works on adjusting their manner of communicating so that they come closer to a middle ground of understanding.

So, what can couples counseling teach you about effective communication in relationships? Below is just the tip of the iceberg about what couples counseling has to offer:

It’s understandable that some people are reluctant to try out couples counseling. There is a lot of misrepresentation in TV and movies. And because relationship struggles are often kept private, you probably won’t hear from your friends and family who tried out couples counseling and had a great experience. Deciding to come to couples counseling is hard enough without misinformation about how it works and what it can do for you.

To help you know what to really expect, I’ve broken down some myths about effective couples counseling:

If you’re feeling stuck or confused in your relationship, you might be wondering if couples counseling can provide clarity and way forward for you and your partner. Or maybe you’re already planning to go couples counseling, but you’re not sure what to expect.

To help you understand how couples counseling works, let’s delve into five truths about effective couples counseling: