Three Solid Pieces of Marriage Advice from a Couples Counselor
As a couples counselor, I get worried for people when I hear bad marriage advice floating around the world. How many times have you heard “Don’t go to bed angry” as advice to newlyweds?
Actually, taking the time to slow down and rest when you’re angry is a great idea. When you’re angry, plus tired because it’s bedtime, you are much less likely to communicate clearly and listen empathically. Also, typically in relationships there is one person who wants to hash things out before going to sleep and one person who wants to table the issue and go to bed. Neither person is right or wrong. Making a rule that “we don’t go to bed angry” can put a lot of pressure on both partners to work through their feelings quickly, which is counterproductive.
To counteract advice like that, I thought I’d share a few pieces of good marriage advice.
1. Relationships are like a garden - they need regular tending
A happy relationship is built on dozens, if not hundreds, of little moments every single day in which partners show respect and admiration for each other. When couples get busy with work, kids, or whatever, these little moments tend to become fewer and farther between. When I tell couples in therapy that they must regularly tend to their relationship, they often think I am talking about weekly date nights. Although regular date nights are important, it’s really the small, seemingly mundane moments of everyday living that make the biggest long-term impact.
For example, you can ask your partner, “How was your day?,” then genuinely listen to the response, ask a follow-up question or two, and empathize with the answers that you get. This may only take a few minutes but the act of expressing interest is a fundamental building block of relationships.
That’s just one tiny example. There are truly innumerable ways to show that you respect and admire your partner. Thoughtful compliments, playful touches, remembering what’s going on in their world, sharing your own inner world, asking for their opinion...the list is endless.
2. “Listening” and “loving” are interchangeable
I heard this quote somewhere (I forgot the source. Please e-mail me if you know!) and I think it’s very accurate. People are longing, absolutely longing, to be heard and understood, especially by their partner. If you make a decision to truly listen to what your partner is trying to express, then you will be showing them that you love them. I understand that much of the time, it’s very hard to listen to what your partner is expressing if there is a criticism of yourself in there (whether the criticism is intended or not). Because then, defensiveness and self-protection get in the way of deeply listening. However, you can make an intentional decision to put aside your own point of view (for just a few minutes to start!) to genuinely listen to your partner. They will sense this act of love from you, and they will love you back for it.
3. Exercise your brain’s ability to see goodness
Humans are simply wired to scan their environments for threats and then focus on those threats until they are taken care of. Furthermore, the brain does not distinguish between emotional threats and physical threats. If you are starting to sense that you are not emotionally safe with your partner, then your brain will hone in on that and try to gather more information. You want to know as much about this threat as possible. Your brain might start finding more and more “evidence” to support your sense that something is wrong. Soon, you might start seeing your partner in an overall negative light. On the flip side, you might start to think that your parter sees you in a negative light. Suddenly, something has turned a corner in your brain and the person you loved most in the world is now starting to look like your enemy.
While it is important to notice and address the negative in your relationship, it is also extremely important to make sure to notice and bask in the positive as well. You must continue to believe that this person is The Special One who is worthy of your love and admiration. When each person in a couple believes this about the other, they are more likely to feel secure and intimately bonded.
If you are noticing that you see your partner in a negative light, you can intentionally shift your focus to their positive qualities. One way to do this is to make a list (yes, you really must write it down) of how your partner is showing the good in themselves, their efforts to improve the relationship, and anything you admire about them. Try it just for a day and notice how it changes your perspective or feelings. You could also make a list of the positive ways that they view you.
You always hear that “relationships are work.” I think the word “work” here has such a negative connotation, as if long-term relationships are inherently hard. They don’t have to be. The “work” can be fun, like reminiscing on your latest happy vacation together, or trying to give your partner an unusual compliment today. Doing the work within yourself to change, plus doing the work of changing interactions between yourself and your partner, is totally worth it if what you get is a secure and mutually loving bond.
I think about how to craft happy marriages all day, every day. If you’re curious about how I can help you craft one, click here to schedule a 15-minute phone consultation with me.
I provide couples counseling in Wakefield, Rhode Island, and online everywhere in Rhode Island and Connecticut.
