How to Understand Your Partner’s Side: Part One of a Couples Counseling Exercise to Do at Home
I’ve blogged about how to get curious, not furious about your partner’s point of view to stop an argument and improve your relationship. The questions that I suggested were entirely internal though - something you only think about in your own head. Below I provide questions that you can ask your partner in order to understand their point of view.
This exercise is adapted from the Gottman Method “Dreams-Within-Conflict” for working through perpetual problems in your relationship. The assumption is that people become entrenched in their position in an argument because of an underlying dream, belief, or value that is very important to them. In this exercise, one partner is the Listener and one is the Speaker, and they take turns. Today’s blog will focus solely on the Listener, with this post focusing on the Speaker.
How to Listen Effectively
The role of the Listener is to ask questions from a place of genuine curiosity and willingness to learn about your partner’s inner world. You also want to have a supportive, nonjudgmental stance so that your partner feels safe enough to share with you. Go here to learn about phrases that signal you are a safe, trustworthy listener.
The really tricky part is to detach from how your partner’s statements are connected to you and the relationship. Like a journalist, your goal is to learn about your subject and the real underlying reasons, or dreams, they feel so strongly about their side of the argument. At this point, you’re not trying to actually solve the problem that keeps coming up in your relationship. That comes later.
If you want to try this couples counseling exercise at home, it’s important that your partner is on board and that you both agree to set aside time for it. In other words, catching someone off-guard to discuss their deepest dreams and fears might be counterproductive.
Before asking any questions, make sure your body is as calm as possible by taking deep breaths. If anger and judgment enter your mind, imagine them passing by you like a twig floating down a stream, and turn your attention back to your partner.
Example Questions to Ask to Understand Your Partner’s Side
Why is this so important to you?
Does this relate to your past or background in some way?
Do you have an unfulfilled wish underlying this?
What is it that you need? Are you worried you won’t get it?
What would be your ideal dream scenario?
Is there a fear of something bad happening if your dream isn’t honored?
Hopefully as you learn about your partner’s dreams, fears, and wishes, you will feel more connected to that inner part of them that they don’t show to many people. You may start to develop an understanding and sympathy for why they act the way they do, and you may see opportunities for compromise where you didn’t before.
Go here for a follow-up post about the Speaker’s role. I share common dreams people have and how to get in touch with them.
If you want help in resolving conflicts and creating connection with your partner, click here to schedule a 15-minute phone consultation with me.
I offer couples counseling in Wakefield, Rhode Island, and online everywhere in Rhode Island and Connecticut. I’d love to help you find happiness again in your relationship.
