How to Practice Empathy in Your Relationship

Dec 18

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Lack of empathy in relationships is rampant. Empathy is understanding what another person is feeling - not only on a cognitive level, but also on an emotional level. In other words, knowing what someone else is feeling AND actually feeling it too.

I think of empathy as a practice rather than a trait that you have or don’t. You can practice empathy for your partner by first making a decision to set aside your own perspective and feelings for a few moments. Then, deeply listen to what your partner is telling you about how they feel. If they don’t tell you how they feel, then ask yourself what they’ve been dealing with lately and how it probably makes them feel.

Here’s an example. Your partner might say, “You don’t appreciate me.”

Notice your immediate reaction, in your body and in your mind. You might instantly want to defend yourself from this perceived attack - maybe you think you are very appreciative and express it all the time! Maybe your partner is actually the unappreciative one! Okay. That’s the initial reaction that you’ve decided to set aside, temporarily.

Take a deep breath, and shift your focus to your partner’s headspace. Listen for the emotional core of what they are saying: “I feel unappreciated by you - my partner.” Even deeper than “unappreciated” are the feelings of pain and longing.

Take some time to consider what it’s like to feel that way (you might already know exactly what that feeling is like). Imagine that the person you love most does not appreciate you. That you work very hard every day and it goes unnoticed. That what you long for most is to be seen and valued by someone whose opinion matters greatly to you.

You don’t have to agree that your partner is unappreciated, or that you haven’t been expressing appreciation for them. But, you can still imagine what that feels like. In your partner’s mind, that is what is real. By going to that emotional place with them, you are practicing the act of seeing and valuing their perspective.

If there is a lack of empathy in your relationship, I can help. Click here to schedule a 15-minute phone consultation with me to learn more.

I provide couples counseling in Wakefield, Rhode Island, and online everywhere in Rhode Island and Connecticut. I’d love to give you the tools to have a healthy and fulfilling relationship.